22 January 2019

Our adventure begins in Darryl Wilson’s 2013 Honda Odyssey in San Dimas, California. It’s an important day for Darryl’s son, Grant. His soccer team is playing in a regional tournament. Darryl and some of the other dads on the team decided to carpool to the game, figuring it would be easier and more economical than driving separately. Henry Oak and his sons Lark and Sparrow are the first to be picked up. Glenn Close and Nick join the crew – only after indulging in some dank weed. Finally, Ron Stampler and his stepson Terry Junior pile in as well. With the crew assembled, the unlikely heroes set off on their grand adventure.

Despite the chaos in the car brought on by the Oak boys, the first part of the drive is rather uneventful. The peace is disturbed by a large purple portal that opens up in the middle of the road, vacuuming the unsuspecting dads and sons inside. While traveling through the portal, each dad knows that, without a doubt, they are a bad father.

The dads finally begin to wake up and are confronted with the troubling revelation that their kids are nowhere to be found. It doesn’t take long after that for them to realize that everything is wrong about the world they find themselves in. The sun is in the wrong position, the trees are entirely foreign, and the geography of where they are now doesn’t match where their GPS says they were. Glenn makes the executive decision to call Triple A, barely fending off Darryl when he attempts to grab his phone and call 911 instead. After speaking with the authorities, the dads slowly accept that they’re not in San Dimas anymore. Glenn can’t help wondering if maybe he’s a bit higher than he previously believed.

Just as our beloved heroes are starting to get their wits about them, three individuals in red cloaks attack them. Although the dads are initially hesitant to engage in combat, the unprovoked attack spurs them all to action. Glenn uses the van to plow a few over and Henry has an important realization that he can spew poison from his fingertips. Darryl loses his breakfast after Ron removes the arrow from his shoulder. When the dust settles, only one of the assailants remains. He is bound and questioned as Darryl hands out his legendary Pale Ales to soothe wounds and ease the spirits of his comrades.

Confronted with the reality that their children are gone and they’re in a very strange world, the dads do the only thing they can think of – interrogating the hunter they captured. While Henry, Ron, and Glenn begin their questions, Darryl sneaks in a Charleston Chew. Their attacker reveals himself as Three, one of the Lance’s hunters. He and his fellow hunters had taken the children and decided to come back for the adults. Three seems reluctant to say more after revealing the children were auctioned off into slavery, but a very intimidating drunk Glenn gets him to change his tune. Three lets slip that the Lance keeps a book of sales in his office back in Phandalin.

The dads mutually agree to a dad huddle, picking apart the information they got and what their next move should be. They come to the conclusion that Three should be kept alive while Darryl tries to, unsuccessfully, pull them all into a group hug.

After his disastrous group hug attempt, Darryl excuses himself to call his wife, Carol. When she asks after his drive and the game, he reveals just how dire their situation has become. Upon hearing this, Carol becomes enraged. She is heard speaking to Darnell, and Darryl takes that very hard. Henry does his best to comfort Darryl, but it doesn’t work. Instead – Darryl goes into full coach mode, rallying the dads around a common cause and doing his best to force them along in their journey.

During their drive to Phandalin, Three expresses discomfort about being a bartering chip for the dads. His pleas go ignored, especially when debate starts up around Henry’s newfound magical abilities. The conversation makes Henry uncomfortable – even more so when he hears a voice reaching out with him and trying to connect in his mind. Henry decides the best solution is to put ten condoms on his fingers to prevent more things from spraying out of him.

The dads arrive in Phandalin after stashing the van. Glenn decides to keep a close eye on Three to keep him from running, keeping a knife pressed up against him at all times. Phandalin is unlike any city the dads have seen before, thus confirming the suspicions they already had. Wherever they are now, it’s nothing like the world they came from.

Three leads them through the city to the Lance’s house. Despite how impatient the dads are for answers, they start with a more stealthy attempt at gaining information. Henry peers through one of the windows, but before he can ascertain the best way in, Darryl is heading toward the door to just barge in. This enrages Henry, sending him into a very loud rant about. He insists that now isn’t the time for Darryl’s alpha macho bullshit – not when their sons are on the line. Unfortunately, this altercation happens in front of an open window and Darryl doesn’t really take it to heart. Darryl knocks on the door. The Lance answers it, but any attempts at negotiation break down rapidly when Darryl draws his weapon. Armed with the understanding that the dads want knowledge on their kids and intend to use Three as a bargaining chip, the Lance ruthlessly shoots Three, killing him near instantly.

With Three’s body cooling at their feet, the Lance makes it clear he’s not going to give the dads what they want. The dads call another dad huddle, arguing with one another about the best path to take. When they finally return to negotiate, the Lance attempts to shut them down. Glenn begins belting Wonderwall, changing the lyrics as needed to suit their situation. When Darryl attempts to interrupt, Henry kisses him to shut him up.

After watching the disastrous display in front of him, the Lance decides he will give them the book if they do something for him. Some back and forth is exchanged, and Darryl gets himself into quite the mess. He reveals to the Lance that Grant lost his dog, Lincoln, and continues a narrative that he wants to hunt Grant down to punish him by eating his skin. The Lance eventually offers them Grant’s location so long as they give him Darryl’s phone and promise to kill and eat Grant’s skin within 24 hours of meeting him again. The dads agree, and when they go to shake on it, the Lance tricks Darryl into a blood pact that applies for the entire party. Now they must kill and eat Grant’s skin or all of their lives will be forfeit.

Contract made, the Lance shows them the ledger where Grant is. To let Henry steal the page, Darryl kisses the Lance. While the kiss is underway, Henry swipes the page of the ledger with all of their sons’ locations.

With that, the dads take their leave to begin the next part of their journey – locating Lark and Sparrow in Neverwinter.