23 April 2019

Glenn is very impressed with Nick’s Blade Landing. Nick goes for a high-five immediately, but Glenn whiffs the high-five. Darryl is mostly concerned with the state of his van, worried that perhaps Nick dented it during his landing.

Nick asks what they’re up to, and Glenn makes it clear that they’re just here to check up on him and see how he’s been holding up. Glenn assumes that the bandits Nick is running with are his new bandmates. Nick suggests that Glenn and the other dads come to the bandits’ hideout and meet his boss. Glenn is absolutely blown away by how cool his son is. As they talk, Nick reveals that this boss saved him after he was sold to some dude in Waterdeep, enlisting him in his troupe of bandits.

During their conversation, the other bandits start pressuring Nick to let them rob the dads. Nick confronts the dads, asking if they’re cool with either pretending to be or being criminals. Henry is a little hesitant about this plan, trying to clarify what exactly Nick does with these bandits. Henry is generally uncomfortable with being criminals, but Glenn immediately pushes back against him. He asks Henry if he’s ever pirated music, reminding him that pirating is stealing too. Darryl cuts in, pointing out that they could just grab Nicholas and keep going. He demands that Nick get in the car. Nick refuses, blowing Darryl off and mumbling to Glenn that Darryl seems like a dick. Henry tries to remind Nick that they’re saving him, but it falls flat. Nick likes chilling with the bandits.

Darryl asks Nick to get off the car, which Nick reluctantly complies with.

Nick tells the bandits to hold up and vouches for the dads. After this, he leans in close and reveals that if he leaves the bandit crew he’ll die. Nick likes the guys he’s with, but the head boss of this crew put a spell on him. Essentially Nick is an indentured servant to him until completing a specific job. If Nick leaves before then, his head will come off. Ron sympathizes, recognizing that Nick is not in a position with upward mobility. He immediately inquires about other opportunities, and Nick is quick to reassure him that the crew is always looking for more people.

Henry notes that there is a lot of slavery in this world. He’d like to make their secondary goal forming some sort of Emancipation Proclamation to free the enslaved of Faerun. He mentions that he talks a lot about this on his geology themed hip-hop album. He then quotes the song, “Racism Doesn’t Rock”:

You know what’s bolder than being older
than a cold-shoulder-having-guy with a couple Folgers
is not being racist
because it’s the basics
that we’re all equal.
So save some of that for the sequel.

Nick brings them back to the hideout to fill them in on what his job is. Glenn walks alongside him, and as they’re walking, Nick asks Glenn what’s been going on. Ron chimes into the conversation, asking Glenn to tell Nick about that time he hid in his pants. This prompts Glenn to ask Nick if Terry Junior is a bit weird. Nick reveals that, no, Terry is pretty normal. However, he does play soccer with the ferocity of somebody trying to get back at someone. According to Nick, he’s all power, no aim.

Glenn is pretty hyped about where his son has ended up, comparing the bandits to a band without any ideology. While they’re talking, Ron has a startling realization: he didn’t know father-son conversations could go on this long.

Meanwhile, Henry calls a stealthy dad huddle. Darryl rolls up the windows, and Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins also joins in this dad huddle. Henry can’t help but call out how the energy between Glenn and Nick is a little worrisome. He’s concerned that Glenn is going to end up enslaved to this thieves guild. Darryl expresses concern about Nick’s weed smoking, but overrides it with his skill on the soccer field and the respect Nick seems to have for Glenn. Henry isn’t certain he’d call it respectful, and Ron agrees, noting that there really should be more animosity between parents and their children. Henry is quick to correct that’s not exactly what he means. Instead, Henry is worried that Glenn is trying to be too hard to be Nick’s friend, rather than his father. Darryl understands, but believes Henry should tell Glenn face to face like a man. So he rolls down the window and immediately calls for Glenn’s attention.

Glenn and Nick slows down, both walking next to the car. Henry tries to recover, saying that he has a private thing to talk to Glenn about. Nick does not seem to get the memo to leave, staying right next to his father. Henry nervously begins to explain his position by using a compliment sandwich. This doesn’t go entirely to plan, as Henry can’t really get the words out. Ron sees him struggling and calls out that Henry is worried that Nick is trying to swindle them to get them all enslaved. Henry immediately backpedals, and Glenn and Nick are both extremely offended.

The mention of sandwiches and Big Macs draws Glenn’s attention to the fact that Nick might be stoned. Nick reveals that there’s something better than weed everywhere in this forest. He moves a branch and shows a beautiful forest clearing. There’s a thriving bandit camp, but more importantly, lining the paths to the tents are insanely beautiful, colorful flowers. Nick encourages Glenn to pick a color, and Glenn chooses purple. Nick informs Glenn that the purple ones make you levitate for five seconds. Every flower in this place has a different effect based on the color. Darryl immediately begins picking a bouquet for Carol.

Nick pulls Glenn aside to propose they ditch the other dads because they’re buzzkills. He likes the digs here, and wants to stay. Glenn gently disagrees, asking Nick to give the others a chance. He quickly redirects the conversation, asking more about the flowers and their mysterious properties. Glenn wonders if they can sell the flowers, and Nick loses his mind in excitement over the idea. Henry overhears this and it’s enough to distract him from the wonders of nature around him. He sneaks over to Darryl, trying to warn him about the Glenn and Nick situation. He feels like Glenn isn’t taking this seriously and that Nick has too much freedom. Darryl is only half listening as he picks flowers, eventually asking Henry to hold them. Immediately, Henry is distracted by their beauty and takes a big whiff of them.

The flowers have an instant effect on Henry. He begins to float off the ground; he vomits all over himself; he becomes insanely paranoid and is certain Darryl poisoned these flowers; he believes he’s dead; he must tell only the truth for the next five minutes; and he also forgot about one day’s worth of information – apart from Darryl handing him the flowers.

After he vomits, Henry jumps straight into hurling accusations at Darryl. Darryl calls for Ron as Glenn and Nick rush over to help Henry through his bad trip. Some arguing starts to break out about who drugged the flowers, why the dads weren’t warned about the drug flowers, who is allowed to give Henry water – but it’s all overshadowed when Darryl kisses Henry again to try and calm the situation down. Immediately, all of the effects transfer over to Darryl as well. Chaos ensues. Watching this, Nick concedes that Glenn was right and that the other dads are pretty hard core.

Darryl, in his flower-addled mind, is desperately seeking out the Charleston Chews. He starts asking for the chews, and Henry throws them all at Darryl to get him away from him. Suddenly, all of the symptoms go away and they are left feeling off and regretful. Unfortunately, Henry is not able to get the one Charleston Chew back from Darryl. Feeling overwhelmed by the chews and the kiss, Darryl goes back to the van and begins praying over the rosary.

Nick’s boss, a broad-shouldered woman, comes over to introduce herself. Ellory is the leader of this particular chapter of the thieves guild, and Nick seems to like her a lot. Glenn flirts with her and gets a strong, flirtatious handshake in return. When she shakes Darryl’s hand, she gives a stronger handshake than him. She reveals the name of the gang is the Watermice. Ron introduces the party as the Doodlers for the first time.

Ellory asks why the Doodlers have come to their hideout, and Nick informs her that he shared the details of the Battle Axe of Hatred with them. Immediately she’s interested and engaged, answering all of their questions. According to legend, there’s a demon inside the battle axe – hence the name Battle Axe of Hatred. Whoever last fought with the demon couldn’t destroy it so they instead contained its soul to this battle axe.

She explains that the axe is in another gang’s hideout. It’s supposed to be a quick job: retrieve the axe and leave. Glenn pushes back gently, reminding Ellory about the spell that’s currently on his son. Ellory and Nick correct him, revealing that there’s actually a sorcerer who put some sort of spell on Nick.

Darryl makes a remark about how it’s important for Nick to know all the ramifications of a contract, but is interrupted by the screaming Grant on his blood pact receipt. It hits him at this moment that, when the Doodlers encountered the Library, he didn’t think to ask for a book on how to solve the issue of the blood pact.

Ron wonders if it’s maybe a little fishy for Nick to retrieve this axe, given that axes tend to chop heads off. Henry doesn’t entirely follow the logic but seeing as he doesn’t have a great feeling about this entire ordeal, he takes a closer look at Ellory. She seems as if she’s not telling them the whole truth. Glenn calls a dad huddle, once again inviting Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins.

Glenn expresses his worry for his son, asking for the dads to just go along with the quest even though there’s something fishy about it. Henry is quick to reassure him, saying that no one wants Nick’s head to fall off. When asked, Ellory clarifies that when people join the Watermice, they’re indentured for a bit but eventually decide that they like the work and no longer need the spell to keep them in line. The dads all agree that Glenn should make the call here. Glenn decides that they need to all retrieve the axe to save Nick. Henry remains skeptical. Immediately, this sets Glenn on edge. He calls Henry out and asks what Henry wants him to do – just leave his kid? Henry backs down, recognizing that his problems did not have any solutions. Ron points out that maybe Henry is carrying his trauma of losing his children into this interaction and that immediately shuts Henry up.

Ron is struggling with his identity as a dad in the aftermath of the dad huddle. He asks Henry if he shows up on his incredibly accurate Dad-ar and while Henry says yes, he doesn’t seem very confident about that. Ron chooses to believe it. Darryl once again calls hands in the middle for a Doodlers sign-off.

Glenn declares to Nick that they’re going to get the axe, lift the curse, and figure it out from there. Because they had previously talked about ditching the other dads, Glenn throws in a little wink to let Nick know he hasn’t ruled out starting a drug empire.

They move into the planning phase, and Nick spreads out a large map to help the dads get a lay of the land. He explains that they’ll be stealing the axe from the Redbrands, a rival gang full of narcs and daddy’s money rich kids.

The dads and Nick decide to hit the road and finish planning on the way there. After a brief father-son bonding moment between Glenn and Nick over their nunchucks and dagger respectively, the dads all pile into the car. Henry and Darryl seem more than a little bit weary of Nick being allowed to carry a blade, but Glenn is in full enthusiastic support.

When they pull up to the Redbrands hideout, it’s nearing sunset. The hideout is a large warehouse made of stone with two guards in red tunics standing out front. Glenn suggests hot boxing the entire warehouse with one of the drug flowers, just like he used to do with weed when the Glenn Close Trio traveled through 420-friendly states. To avoid getting any sort of contact high, Darryl suggests that everyone pee on a cloth and cover their face with it. He saw it once on Hardcore History.

Henry decides to fact check Darryl, but when he pulls out his phone to Google, he gets a call from “scam likely.” He picks it up and immediately registers that the voice on the other end sounds a lot like the Library. Scam Likely reveals that the Library is his cousin. Scam Likely has called because he detected trickery, and as the patron saint of trickery, he wanted to offer a free piece of advice. Henry fills Scam in on their quandary. When asked if peeing on a rag will prevent a contact high, Scam quickly asserts that it will. Although Henry doesn’t fully trust Scam, he decides that the advice checks out and they should go ahead with the plan as discussed.

Once the call is over, Glenn begins to slowly drive around the hideout to gather intel and look for entry points. Nick is more familiar with the Redbrand’s hideout, and gives a bit of insight into the space. It’s unlikely that they’ll be able to hotbox the entire warehouse. Darryl suggests that they use Ron’s Hat of Vermin. With the summoned animals, they could light the flowers on fire and attach them, sending the creatures to run through the hideout. The other dads and Nick are a bit appalled by the suggestion, but don’t outright dismiss it. Henry throws in that he could use magic to communicate with them to ensure the job gets done right.

With a plan made, the group heads back to the field of flowers to gather everything they need. Glenn makes a nasty cocktail of purple, yellow, pink, and green flowers. If pulled off correctly, this will make the affected Redbrands float, puke, forget the past five minutes, and think that they’re dead until the effects wear off. After gathering the flowers, Glenn uses the Alchemy Jug to produce oil for an infusion with the flowers. For the hose, Darryl sets up the van’s interior vacuum cleaner.

Once they’ve gathered everything they need, the group heads back to the Redbrands’ hideout to begin their plan. Ron summons two rats and a bat from his hat and immediately Henry begins to speak with them. The animals are in freak-out mode, all talking over each other as they try and get away from Ron. When Ron asks Henry what his animals are saying, Henry lies and says that they’re complimenting him. He quickly moves on before Ron can ask more questions. Henry explains the situation to the animals and they agree to do whatever he wants so long as it gets them away from Ron. To keep them settled while they attach the flowers, Henry tells Ron that the creatures are intimidated by how cool he is and that he needs to keep his distance from them. Ron understands, explaining that people are often intimidated by him.

The flowers have been rolled into joints for Darryl to easily secure them. Before the joints are lit, Henry has a bit of a crisis about lighting these animals on fire after scolding Darryl for it earlier. In the end, the dads settle for tying the joints with a piece of twine so the fire isn’t directly on them – just trailing behind. The group is in position and ready to go, but they still have to deal with the two guards out front. The dads, with the exception of Glenn, all pee on their strips of cloth and tie them to their faces. Darryl assigns Cern to keep watch and keep the exhaust going. Once Darryl teaches him, the dads are ready to jump into action.

Nick cuts in before they can set the plan in motion to ask Glenn where he should be. Glenn tells him to stay with Cern. Nick is against the idea because it’s lame, but after being compared to Hells Angels when the Stones played Altamont, he agrees.

The dads light the joints and send the bat in. Immediately after, they get the van going, pumping the hideout full of these drug flowers. The rats aren’t able to make it past the guards nor is the smoke getting the guards high. Using the distraction to their advantage, Glenn and Darryl go in with their weapons to knock the guards out. Their attack fails miserably. Darryl hits himself with his own axe and takes a deep inhale of the smoke. As soon as he does, he has a horrible realization: in the documentary he watched, the pee was to neutralize chlorine in chlorine gas. It does nothing for this situation.

Seeing this, the guards immediately blow the alarm whistle. The carefully laid plan has been completely ruined.