9 April 2019

Between adventures, the dads level up!

Henry immediately wants to talk about his sons disappearing. Darryl agrees that it would be great to pull aside and set up some campfire. Darryl sets them up with some power bars and tries to swindle a Charleston Chew out of Henry. His efforts are quickly dismissed as the conversation turns to Henry’s emotional state in the wake of finding his sons, bonding with Sparrow, then subsequently losing them. Conflict quickly breaks out between Ron and Henry when Ron butts in that this has been hard for him too. Henry backs off, recognizing that he may be monopolizing the emotional space.

Darryl tries to comfort Henry by saying that, at the very least, the people who took Henry’s kids are probably treating Lark and Sparrow right because of how much they emphasized that Henry is a bad father. Glenn does his best to comfort Henry, reinforcing that he’s one of the coolest dads out there. Henry is thankful for all of their support, feeling bolstered and ready to take on the day.

When Darryl calls for a dad huddle, they pull Cern into the conversation by asking if he has any kids. Cern reveals that he had two kids, but they were unfortunately crushed by the pyramid summoned during the Save Lark and Sparrow quest in Neverwinter. With this knowledge, Darryl invites Cern to join the dad huddle. Once everyone is in, he reveals he only called the dad huddle because he believed Henry needed a hug. Darryl squeezes them all really tight, over the fire, and they are all trying to avoid being burned.

As the dads huddle, Darryl asks Cern what a Wookiee Life Debt means. Cern explains that, because Darryl saved his life, Cern forever owes Darryl his. Cern’s culture also calls it a Gungan Life Debt, named after the two most loyal lizards who have ever existed in his race. Interestingly, Gungan and Wookiee died for each other simultaneously.

The dads begin to pile on dad jokes based on Cern’s name. Odyssey-san absorbs the damage of the dad jokes.

After the round of jokes, Darryl offers Cern some of his Pale Ale, and Glenn hops on the bandwagon suggesting they all get drunk. Immediately, Henry tries to remind everyone not to peer pressure Cern into doing something he may not want to do. In response, Cern asks Darryl what he should do. As soon as Darryl says he would like Cern to at least try it. Cern slams back a cup of the beer. He calls it delicious.

Darryl, in a ploy to figure out what Birkenstocks are, asks Henry if he’s going to take his Birkenstocks off to go to bed. They have some back and forth, in which Darryl lies and says Grant takes his Birkenstocks off before he goes to bed. Henry seems delighted to hear that Grant has Birkenstocks, sharing that he got his first pair when he was only nine years old. The conversation dies off as Darryl pisses in the flames to put them out before getting everyone a blanket to wrap up in for their night of camping in the car. Cern offers to keep watch outside. Darryl treats him like a pet, pouring some beer into a bowl for him and patting him on the head. Cern is, understandably, a bit bothered by this as he’s not a pet.

As the dads drift asleep, they find themselves in the same scorched wasteland that they saw in their first shared dream. The man in the purple robe is here once again. He points a finger at the dads, saying, ”Everything has come to pass exactly as I predicted. In your previous dream, you were naked and what was the first thing you did when you got to Neverwinter? You disrobed. Know that I have seen your futures, and they are very, very, stupid. You dumb, dumb, idiots believe yourselves capable of taking care of a life? You cannot even take care of your own. I have removed two of the most vulnerable amongst you, and they are now safe.”

This is the same voice that was coming out of Lark and Sparrow when they disappeared. The purple robed figure gestures to Lark and Sparrow, who are fading into view. They greet Henry, who immediately starts talking to them. The dads realize through this that they’re all sharing a dream.

Henry starts demanding to have his children back. The purple robed man dismisses him immediately, saying that perhaps, when they retrieve all of their children, the dads will have possibly learned something about being better fathers. Only then do they stand a chance of seeing their children again. Henry is frustrated by this, insisting that he was a good father during their escapades in Neverwinter. The purple robe attempts to chastise Henry, only to be interrupted by Ron and Darryl. He zips Darryl’s mouth shut to get him to shut it. He proceeds to lay out every way Henry failed as a father. He zips Henry’s mouth shut too in order to get the last word.

After making his point, he allows Ron to speak. Ron wonders if this warning applies to just fathers or if it applies to step fathers as well. The purple robe promises to not intrude on Ron’s nap. Darryl passes on asking his question, getting his mouth zipped up once again.

Then, the dads wake up.

Glenn proposes thinking up some tactics and strategies to dealing with the purple robed man. Henry suggests employing a Nightmare on Elm Street strategy where they jump on him to drag him into the real world. They decide the code word should be ‘Birkenstock,’ but that they’ll need to find a way to use it naturally in a sentence. With this decided, the conversation turns to Cern and his dreams.

Henry accidentally brings up Cern’s dead children again, bringing grief back to the forefront of his mind. Glenn decides that he’s going to text Nick, but after about thirty seconds he gets a text back saying “who dis?” The text conversation doesn’t really confirm anything other than Nick’s alive.

Glenn realizes they have no idea where they’re at and they have no idea how to get to Waterdeep. He asks Cern if he knows how to get around this world and he happily complies. Waterdeep is north. Before they hit the road, Darryl does a car check and realizes that there is very little gas left. Ron farts, sending the group into a fit of giggles. Unfortunately, Ron does crap his pants. Darryl gives him an extra pair of Hanes tighty whities, and it takes Ron a few minutes to pull of all his layers of pants before slipping them on.

One suggestion is to tie horses to the van and make a chariot of sorts. They hit the road, and the group contends with Ron’s pooped pants. Henry tries to take the heat off of Ron by saying that he pooped his pants, throwing the boxers out of the window.

The dads come across a podunk village where there is nearly nothing, except a two story tower of books. A spindly man stands next to the books, announcing himself as The Library. Henry asks if any of The Library’s books might have any books on fuel sources. The borrowing terms are knowledge for knowledge. Henry tells The Library about the realms beyond Faerun, and The Library agrees that the knowledge is sufficient for a book. He gives Henry Alchemical Delights for the Novice.

Ron asks for the next book in the Dresden Files series. The Library, without moving, responds that he doesn’t have it. Glenn asks for a book on pop songs of this world. In exchange, Glenn offers as much of Will Smith’s “Wild Wild West” as he can remember it. The Library calls Glenn on his bluff, leaving him scrambling for another thing to give. Glenn tries for a deep truth of humanity, stumbling through an explanation of how a band behaves between ending the set and the encore. The Library accepts this and gives him Now That’s What I Call Bard Jams!

Henry starts looking through his book, and realizes that there are three ways to create a power source. One option involves killing a willing soul, which Darryl suggests could be Cern. Henry immediately vetos this, and when the dads break from their dad huddle, Cern asks what they were talking about. On the spot, they come up with a nickname for him – Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins.

For powering up the van in a less deadly way, they have to hock loogies into a bucket, pour that into the car, and then compliment the van. Darryl pours in all that spit, and Darryl tries to compliment the Odyssey, but nothing happens. Henry gives it his best shot, but once again nothing happens. Ron steps up and this time gives a complaint, rather than a compliment. Of course, this does not work. Glenn realizes what the problem is, and compliments the van in Japanese. This immediately fills.

Before they leave, Henry goes back to The Library and asks if he might have anything for their purple robed man problem. Because this request is more complicated, The Library asks exclusively for personal secrets. Ron volunteers himself, saying that he pooped his pants. The dads manage to convince the Library that they didn’t know about the secrets. The Library retrieves a living book about dickish magic, by and for dicks. Darryl uses some ratchet straps to strap it down.

They have two weeks to return the books, or be killed by The Library.

The dads hit the road toward Waterdeep, guided by Lizard Boy Scales McStuffins. The road takes them to a bridge where two men are standing to collect a toll. The toll is five silver. During their discussion about whether or not to pay the toll, Glenn receives a text from Nick that says “lol im watching u.”

Suddenly, the trees come alive as bandits begin to drop down. One lands in a Blade landing, right on the hood of the van. As his head looks up, Glenn sees his son looking back at him.