26 March 2019

The lizard man that Darryl spared opens up a stairway that leads to the floors above. Glenn tries to make conversation with the hooded figure still locked up, and when he pulls down his hood it’s revealed that he is a snake. Darryl does his best to do his normal introductions, allowing the snake to curl around his hand. The snake slithers through the bars by traveling over Darryl’s body. Before slipping away, the snake bows to Darryl.

Disturbed by this display, Darryl immediately turns to the shapeshifting girl and offers an introduction. When he asks after her reasons for being in the cell, she deflects from the question and invites the dads to escape with her. Darryl calls a naked dad huddle to plan out their next steps, pulling the dads in very close to confer about their next steps. The dads are all in mutual agreement they need to get their stuff.

The scene cross-cuts to Henry and Sparrow up on the roof. Henry is in wolf form with all of Sheriff Boreanaz’s minions coming after him. The battlefield is identical to the skyscraper map from Mario Kart Nintendo 64. Henry’s first move is to paw frantically at the down button on the elevator to attempt to get away from this crowd. Boreanaz and two of his minions jump on the elevator to try and catch them. Henry goes to bite Boreanaz on the face, immediately tearing through his moneymaker. Sparrow faces a small crisis on whether or not love wolves are allowed to be violent, concluding that yes! He can. He bites Boreanaz on the knee and asks Henry if he’s proud of him.

Boreanaz is furious, wildly waving around a dagger to try and stab Henry in the throat. He succeeds on his second try, slicing Henry across the throat. Two more guards join the elevator. Some guards go for Sparrow, hitting him critically twice with daggers. Sparrow’s teeth are still latched onto Boreanaz, but his entire body goes limp.

Back down in the armory, the dads find their things. They spend a moment looking around for more valuable items. Glenn immediately b-lines for the nunchucks, arming himself with them despite the risk of self-harm. Ron acquires the materials to make a skip-it, immediately trying to make one despite the time pressure. He is not successful in this endeavor. Darryl immediately puts his clothes on and grabs a couple new weapons.

The shapeshifting girl introduces herself as Everything. She grabs her bounty and offers the dads “splitzies” on her spoils. Darryl takes the Perfume of Bewitching. Glenn takes the Alchemy Jug and Ron takes the Hat of Vermin. Darryl takes the Bag of Beans for Henry to have later. Armed with some average level weapons and magic items, the dads head up to the surface to help Henry and Sparrow.

When the dads reach the top, they are greeted with the innocent people, the Children of the Doodler, and no Henry. Immediately, Darryl sprints over to the elevator and throws the Bag of Beans down the elevator shift. The beans, when they hit the ground, turn into any number of things. Four beans fall out of the bag. First, a nest of five eggs springs up. Second, a geyser erupts from the center of the elevator shaft. It spurts apple juice 30 ft in the air. Third, eleven pink toads appear. Fourth, a pyramid with a 60ft square base bursts from the middle of the elevator shaft. The entire building is bisected by this pyramid. Immediately, the dads scramble to keep from falling off of it.

The innocent people and the Children of the Doodler folks are immediately thrown off the skyscraper, falling to their deaths. The pyramid begins to fall down, crushing the tower beneath it. Darryl is barely able to hang on as the pyramid starts to go below and crushes the violent pit of the Myriad Pit of Delights. As the shockwave ripples out, Ron and Darryl begin to fall. Ron summons three frogs from the Hat of Vermin to attempt to stick to the side of the pyramid. Two frogs stick perfectly, and the third frog slides straight off the pyramid. In an attempt to save Darryl, Glenn uses his nunchucks to save Darryl. They wrap around his ankles, keeping Darryl on the pyramid.

Suddenly, all of the dads realize that Lark was below the pyramid. Immediately, the shock startles Henry into letting go of Boreanaz. He uses his wolf senses to sniff out Lark. As Henry begins to dig into rubble, he manages to find his son’s hand sticking up through the rubble. He’s still alive, but struggling to get out. Darryl, heartbroken by what he’s seeing, asks the orgy pit to help dig Lark out. The orgy pit is moved to help.

Glenn is pretty pissed off by Boreanaz’s not rock and roll behavior, he starts flourishing his nunchuck. He immediately slams the nunchucks into his right testicle. Boreanaz sees this, and feels certain he summoned the Doodler. Ron attempts to ask Boreanaz to help him up the pyramid, but he’s told to fuck off.

Back at the rubble, the naked people and Henry have managed to pull Lark from the rubble. Henry now has his sons, barely conscious and unconscious in his arms. He immediately treats them with druid magic. Everything immediately has a crisis about her involvement in this situation, throwing her stolen goods to the ground and seeking out the nearest church.

Lark comes to and is immediately wondering if they summoned the Doodler, asking if he beat the eldritch god. Henry tells him he’s very grounded. Sparrow bolts upright like the Undertaker from Wrestlemania. He grounds Sparrow as well, before also grounding himself. Then, he immediately lifts the grounding.

As this is happening, people are starting to point in their direction. Glenn immediately encourages the dads to get the hell out of dodge. They begin to run for the van and Ron manages to snag one of the eggs.

During the run, Darryl feels someone touch his arm. It’s the lizard man that he accidentally spared. He immediately thanks Darryl for letting him live, introducing himself as Cern. He promises to serve by Darryl’s side, revealing that he now owes Darryl what, in his culture, is referred to as a Wookiee Life Debt.

As they are driving off into the sunset, Sparrow’s eyes roll back into his head. Instead of seeing the whites of his eyes, the dads see purple. A voice speaks through Sparrow’s mouth:

“You have found your children, but you have not learned anything. If only you had been more intelligent. If only you had saved more people. You have proven you are unworthy as a father. You do not deserve. These. Children.”

Before their eyes, the twins begin to fade out of existence. As he’s fading away, Sparrow asks if he did good. Henry immediately replies that he did and that he’s coming for them. This begins a new main quest: Who Stole Our Children?